i don't want to go back.

i was debating on the perfect number just now with alex. he kept on telling me to keep it to five, but i wanted ten. after his reasoning that ten is too much and five would be just right, i eventually decided on six, because i didn't want to agree with him and let him be even more egoistic than usual. heheehe its okay lex i'll still go to you when i need to argue about something :D so, six it is. six what? six things, that i would really really like to say to six people.. that i would never, ever say in real life. i am just going to go by six numbers. take note that these people don't comprise everyone imporant to me in life, but rather they are people that seem to bother my thoughts alot.


to person number one.

i guess i'll never be able to tell you that you're my number one.

talking to you is the one thing that keeps me going. i love everything about you, how you are there no matter what to guide me and lecture me and just mould me into this person that i would never have been without your gentle shepherding. how only you know what's on my mind. how i can be so honest with you and tell you everything, no matter big or small, horrible or not, and you always find a way to make me giggle about it. i love how important you make me feel, and i wish i could list everything i love about you here. but no. you only get so much space and i don't want to just go on about why i love you. because i'd probably be typing until next year. 

it is a must to tell you that i miss you. so, so much. my heart aches everytime i remember that you've boarded that plane and left. why did you have to go so far away? what else am i going to look forward to now that there is no more you to entertain me? what is going to keep me going now that you aren't around to be lame? i am so glad you're enjoying yourself.. you're still you. still superficial and nosey and moneyminded. still able to see beauty even when everything that surrounds you is ugly. still able to make me laugh, no matter how lame your jokes are. i know that there is no point in asking you to come back.. so i guess i'll have to wait. just know that life really isn't the same without you around.

to person number two.

why is it that you are so insistent on blaming this on me? YOU are the one that never bothered to find out WHY i was avoiding you. YOU are the betrayer and YOU are the one who can never bear to hear that maybe, just maybe, sometimes, you're not little miss perfect. you're number two not because you are important to me but because i can find no other way to tell you to get a life and that i don't care.




to person number three.

darling, to be honest, i'm getting a little sick of the way you keep on making me promise you that i won't forget you. i must tell you again and again that distance can only prove to make us stronger friends than ever. please don't keep telling me to not forget you. you know i won't. you know that you're the bestest friend ever and that i will always remember everything. i don't forget important things like you. i love you. :)




to person number four.

i'm sorry...
i'm sorry we don't talk anymore. i'm sorry i was so cold to you. i'm sorry that i refused to see you and listen to your side of the story. i'm sorry that i didn't pick up your calls. i'm sorry that my arms weren't wide open. i'm sorry that i wasn't the great friend that i promised to be. i'm sorry that i made such a big mistake.. and most of all, i'm sorry that i wasn't there when you needed me the most. if you ever want to forgive me, and believe in my promises again, i promise i'll pick up this time.




to person number five.

why have you changed so much? i prefer the old you, i really do. bring her back. please?



to person number six..

sometimes, when somebody loves someone enough, they stop them from making the wrong choices, no matter how much they don't want to and no matter how much it may hurt them. i do the things i do not because i hate you or want to hurt you or make you angry at me, but because i love you enough and you're way more important to me than i let on.. please stop harming yourself, you know it's wrong. you know it. you may not have faith in yourself, but.. i have faith in you.

sigh i'm here. it feels like i'm the only one awake, but i can't really be bothered to check. i must admit, that i am pampered in a way such that my life was full of these security blankets.. last year, i thought, i am never going to survive after i leave this place in two years. i will NOT like it in college because everything will be just so different. not structured, planned, and organized like everything is in school. now, all my safe and secure blankets are being thrown off one by one, and i really just want to run back into my old class, cling to my desk and fall asleep in the nonexistant cold of the air conditioner.



but THEN i start to remember all the  crap that i've been through this year and last.



the stupid moments when my old blog got me into trouble - all because the teachers were SO freaking nosey and really had nothing better to do but read what i had to say. and at that time i was so scared and SO brainwashed by their stupid propoganda. that's what it is. propoganda. like, oh, I was this baaaad baaaad kid who would show all sorts of parents that the school had rebels without a cause all because I blogged during ICT. well excuse me, i'd already done my work. and yeah, like you know, millions of parents are just so free and have no work to do at all and are SO going to go and look at my blog. -_- okay its a chapter that has passed and is now closed - ive just never really had the freedom to rant about it before.



All the lousy lousy teachers that came and went - erm no names mentioned here, because humans are humans and feelings are feelings. hahahaha. the old lady, the duck, the my-opinion-counts-and-yours-doesnt woman, the softie, the hot-but-sensitive one.. oh the list goes on.



and all those times being a prefect - oh god i so want to forget this memory - when i was such a lousy prefect who had no care for anything, when i got close to Mandy and realized that being a prefect meant more to some people than toting around that green blank book, when I would reprimand and scold and keep my eyes on the look out and go to school early for duty, when i was made a group leader but had confused group members, and finally, when THAT incident happened with THAT teacher. when I was reprimanded alongside two people who never gave two hoots about their job, and there i was TRYING WITH ALL MY FUCKING MIGHT to be this good prefect, i just saw no more fucking point in everything and gave up... only to be brainwashed and apologized profusely for something that, now that I am thinking clearly and looking back, was not altogether just. i even bought a new watch that was digital because all my other watches were analogs and i wanted to try and correct my so-called lateness. grace periods of five minutes should be given. just a suggestion.



the times when I spoke my mind only to be called a rebel and a bad role model - wtf  if i'd allowed myself to believe in all this i would so grow up to be one of those "yes yes yes" people



the times when teachers spoke behind my back - yes tuan tuan dan puan puan sekalian, i'm sure you know who you are. screw each and every one of you. Judge me some more lah, I am so going to prove you wrong. Especially you, the one that showed your subtle but obvious jeering at me so clearly to my fellow classmates but hid it from me.

the times when the head would promise "i'll look into it" only to quickly add "but i can't promise anything". uhuh, yeah and like i'll go and look at snails that move fast.

the time when that english teacher actually turned and told the class that I wasn't going to succeed in life because I had no manners. all because i didn't knock on the blinking door. and oh lets not forget that even after i apologized to her, i was told to apologize to her AGAIN. yeah, i should, like, SO apologize twice to this teacher who spoke horribly about me behind my back because i didn't knock on a door.

when we had to line up two by two when we had to go down for lunch and break - yeah surprised that we didn't have to hold hands too, aren't you?


the horrible dismissal process, where we had to line up and wait for our names to be called before we could exit the school. nyeh, i actually got so used to this that when i told other people about it and got these contorted faces of terror, i was surprised. brainwashed. sigh

ah, and the toilets. yes the toilets. i remember the beginning of this year, after my operation and when i was on crutches, my biggest fear was that i would have to go to the toilet one day during school hours. the toilets that smell and look like they are older than me. the toilets that have horrible mosaic tiles on their floors (which 90% of the time are wet and black) and doors that are of such low quality you begin to wonder if you're in a private school or a government school when you're in the toilet. yes, i do think that people tend to judge schools by their toilets. we have this school, which hasn't bothered to renovate its toilets since 1800 (fine, i dont know when they were built) and then we have other private schools - with fine pristine and modern toilets that although can become dirty, are at least MODERN.


and i can't even begin to elaborate on all the rest of the brainwashed moments. seriously, it's like i have too much to say on this, and i don't know where to start, so i'll leave it at this.


sigh, i guess thinking of all these bad times (these are probably just about a third of the ugly) have far outweighed the good. and yet, i am still scared as i go through the pulling away of all these security blankets.

knowing that i will wake up each day to see familiar faces that will smile back,

hearing daniel spout all his unpatriotic wisdom and actually agreeing with some of them. proton cars and their seatbelts, corruption, NS and its nightmares, the list really does go on.

having edward and yu chee to disrupt the class and make me laugh.

arguing with people about mindless things, better yet, talking with people about the future and who would be driving first and how we would come back and unsettle everything by honking our horns and everything else.

all those wasted lunch coupons - min hui and elicia counted 25 last year and those were excluding the ones i never collected when i was absent on mondays. this year there were about 20 something too.

the time when the form fours all put on a play for character building - we actually practised beforehand and it was soooo funny. it was focused on my broken toe and i even tried to slip a complaint about the toilets into the play "AND THE TOILETS AH, SO NOT DISABLED FRIENDLY!" which is totally true. they are dirty and sometimes wet, totally not idea for crutches. and two out of three are for squatters. of course all this effort was to no avail - we almost didn't get our class and gem points and but of course, nothing was done about the horrible toilets. but it was fun to plan it all the same


the band. oh yes how can i forget parallax error? never have i had so much fun drumming to the great escape.


the times when mr chong would go "claire, where's your book?" oh and lets not forget how adorable mr chong is and how he will be revered wherever he will go.

the sheer small size of our class and how it is our biggest oxymoron. so sheltered from reality but so happy.

all that bonding time with mandy, i remember thinking, 'what will i do without mandy!' who would laugh and clap every time i fell or did something stupid? who would i rant to about everything and anything? who would tell me about all the homework and yet i wouldn't bother about it anyway? i guess i got my answer.

more bonding time with elicia, i will always remember all those late night phone calls, and nights by the pool, the durians and all those moments out with henna

laughing with min hui and the rest of the table at lunch about how the primary ones are brainwashed during character building and how the school is this brainwashing factory. unanimous vote.

sleeping in class and going late to school - that is seriously the best way to enjoy school. especially the sleeping part. learning to bond with my table was nice because it made me appreciate my soft bed so much more.


oh and now that we're on the topic of sleeping in class, it was so funny, all those times that different teachers would ask me if i had slept the day before. to which the answer would be a permanent 'no' because why sleep at night when you can sleep in school, right?

ms feeda and ms catherine with their cool and hip ways. quite possibly the best teachers ive ever had

netball club. oh dear. it would take a distant person to not know that i loveeee netball. always have and always will. i wont necessarily miss the sport itself, as it can be played anywhere but i will miss being the president and cikgu adzua and the company and oh gosh i will just miss that particular cocurricular activity lah okaaaay


i could go on and on forever, but i think i will end it right here. i don't want to talk about how i will lose my confidantes and how each and every person right there made up a tiny little fragment of who i've become today. i wish that thoughts of how i will have to find new people to bitch about tyler's antics to and another pink lover wouldn't make me so sad.


life outside school still goes on. my darlings and dears and oh gosh everyone else in between have proved that different schools don't matter when it comes to friendship. so maybe, even with all my security blankets being ripped off one by one, i will pull through and survive this, learning things that i would not have learned otherwise.


it's funny to think that just six months ago we were ranting about how we cant wait to get out of all this crap that the school makes us endure. two more years, just two more years, i remember.


and now look at me. whoohoo. it's like someone took a remote and pressed fast forward. i like where i am now, don't get me wrong. i can actually peek into my future now- and it looks good from where i am. i am just going to have to get used to the fact that my safety nets are going to disappear one by one now. my reality.


this will probably induce waves of nostalgia if i ever were to read it one year later. oh well. memories memories memories. what would i do without them. and i am also apparently very confused because this post is a melting pot of past and present tenses. whatever, i'm sure you understand my points right :D

okay, jaewoo introduced me to another korean friend of hers. hei ryung. i am never going to get used to korean names! hahah anyway, today was a very very very normal day. i LOVE the fact that i don't have to write anymore essays for chem, bio and physics. i also am very crazy about the fact that I don't have to use smelly mosaic toilets that were built before i was born. HEHEE yes im very happy. Not happier than i've ever been, but happy enough.

oh and i've been like extremely hyper the whole day. i have no idea whether it's a reflex to missing home or just due to the fact that i had about twenty five honey sticks in one sitting. elicia called last night! i miss her like crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy. ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER, darling!

oh and, alot of people are leaving this saturday. god yes i admit i'll probably be crying my eyes out on saturday. i HATE goodbyes. er, but this only applies to the ones that are close to my heart. WHY do we have to study abroad. sigh it's so unfair dont you think? australians, brits and americans all don't have to leave their country! sigh all you people that will be boarding planes this saturday will probably never read this but i guess i never really realize how important people are to me until they leave.

and ling, i WANT james mcavoy signed sealed and delivered to my house next week, THANK YOU!



SIGH my lit homework beckons. i'll be back :D

okay, so i really had no idea that my blog was read by so many unexpected people. and when i say unexpected, i mean unexpected to ME lah. anyway anyway anyway!! i met this korean girl today. jaewoo! she is exactly like me - very insistent on torturing herself. she's doing pride and prejudice AND to kill a mocking bird JUST LIKE ME because we're both taking the closed book exam. sigh FINALLY. nobody else around here is taking the closed book exam - they prefer the open book one. but in our defence, why would anybody want to be tested on an unseen text! right right!


hah, if it isn't obvious enough already, i guess i'm happier now. many people have been telling me that this is what i would have wanted, had i been given the choice. the one person that really hit home was darling laylee, who disappears every time she's helped me through something tough. WHY DARLING, WHY :( haha in her words, just because you had no freedom to choose does not mean you wouldn't have chosen this. stop rebelling against it just because you weren't allowed to pick! sigh you guys have made it so clear now. WHERE WERE YOU PEOPLE BEFORE! okay fine having exams but still. i am so glad that we're still awesome after all these years.

hmm anyway, yeah, this is probably what i would have moaned that i wanted if i didn't have it already. there so many ways to console myself. malay is way nicer, pride and prejudice is something i HAVE to study, english is structured better and so on and so on.


what is very annoying though is the fact that my english is MIXED. as in, i spell certain words the british way and certain words the american way. i have no idea why la, but for obvious reasons, i'm going to have to force myself to THINK BRITISH. i think it's because i grew up on archie and enid blyton, thus resulting in this mixed vocabulary. there are so many red circles in my exercise books singling out the american words. meter must become metre. analyze and criticize must become analyse and criticise. check must become cheque. sigh it's actually very irritating because spelling words is a very subconscious thing and hence, hard to change. erm okay i am in like this happy rambling mood today. forgive me.

 haahhah okay darling elicia's calling. MORE TOMORROW. TOODLES :)

so i've decided to make this blog come alive again simply because i'm feeling weird. yes, weird. it is so frustrating to feel a certain way and not know how to describe it. today, i went out and saw a bunch of people that i haven't seen for years. the first bunch just reminded me so much of the old days and how stupid i was back then. and the second was simply indefinable. many topics were touched in between the conversations today. from our current political situations to MY current situation to how the food at the apartment is just so-so, i never got tired of it. it is just SO refreshing to talk and talk and talk properly instead of discussing this guy, and that guy, and how some school teachers are just SO retarded and nosey.



but, one thing stayed in my mind and refused to leave. 'bittersweet', was a word that was said to describe something (fine, i can't remember what). and it dawned on me. THAT is the word that i've been searching for all this while. bittersweet is what everything is. my situation. there is just no other way to describe this. i'm happy, but angry. sad, but relieved. frustrated, but looking forward. i have absolutely no idea why my emotions are of such ridiculous ranges, but they are what they are.

people always leave. that statement rings true and clear to everybody but this time, i'm the one leaving everything and everyone behind. the bonds we shared will no longer be as tight as they were, and time will be just so restrictive. i feel so full of regret, and that there is so much of this and that that i haven't fully absorbed or appreciated. i've gone through this once, and oh how i wish i didn't have to go through it again, but i do. it has all come down to this. these fragments of my life that matter will have to be stamped out and i cannot allow myself to look back into the past for then i will never begin to look forward into the future. i certainly do not want to do this but what choice do i have?

what saddens me is that it is only when a drastic change happens that people begin to take notice. what breaks my heart is the fact that some people are just.. so.. human. to err is human. i get that. i make more mistakes than the average person. take the right road, and FORGIVE, they always say. but you, and YOU, messed with my feelings. why, i often ask myself, did i even bother? and after weeks of deliberation and heavy thought, i figured that i don't want to look back with a heavy heart. so yes, i forgive you.. let bygones BE bygones, and stop asking me to forgive you.



i feel so supressed. like there is so much more that i want to say but i can't. there are so many reasons for this - but the biggest one is the fact that the need for privacy does indeed imprison one's freedom of speech.

anyway, today was wonderful. just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.. yeah, it goes on. i love catching up. i hate the fact that there is a need to catch up, but i love catching up all the same. it is just amazing to think that you still matter to people - that they WANT to tell you what's happening. drifting apart doesn't mean the end of the world - i can say that much. i know i will eventually come back. but these are supposed to be the most happening years of our lives. there will be proms, graduations, exams, new boyfriends and girlfriends, retarded new headmasters and horrible new teachers, and i am going to miss all of that. i won't be THERE to experience it with you guys. MSN just doesn't cut it. typing out the experience or webcamming just will not make up for the fact that i am missing out on the things that we once thought the most important. sigh but again, what choice do i have?

tyler keeps on scratching the floor and barking. he never used to be like this. are there going to be other things that will subtly change too, i can't help but wonder. already i've had to say goodbye to so many people and i am so angry at the injustice of this but i can't be this sentimental person. i have been given this chance that some would kill for and i have no choice but to take it. it's not like it's a bad choice - it's just the lack of freedom for me to decide that makes everything seem so bleak.

im not sure if ill ever see the same people that i usually see again because things can happen in a blink of an eye. there have been so many times that I kept my hopes up only to be let down, and not gently either. i need to be prepared - for things unknown and heartache and mistakes. i can't just be optimistic because disappointment only serves to make things harder.

i have a redeye to catch in a few hours. i'm not exactly looking forward to it but sigh, i HAVE to be appreciative. i want to go and look for the perfect aromatherapy combination, i've tired of peppermint fused with teatree oil and lemongrass. this sounds SO simple - but it really isn't.

because everyone needs one.